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Boundaries vs. No Contact: Navigating Toxic Relationships with Biblical Wisdom
- Angela Startz, MAHSC, CMCLC
- Aug 28
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 14
There's plenty of confusion out there about boundaries and no contact in relationships. Some folks treat them as interchangeable terms, while others view boundaries as harsh or unkind. Then there are those who insist no contact is the only way to handle toxic people, and still others who argue it's never the right choice. As a Christian relationship coach I've studied these dynamics through a biblical lens, and believe both approaches have their place, depending on the context. Let's break it down clearly, defining each one and exploring when they apply, all while keeping things grounded in Scripture.
What Are Boundaries, and When Should You Set Them?
Boundaries are essentially the guidelines you establish for what you'll accept—and what you won't—in your relationships. They're built on a foundation of love: love for yourself, which prevents you from tolerating ongoing harm, and love for the other person, which means addressing their sinful behavior instead of enabling it through avoidance or passivity. In essence, boundaries protect your well-being while aiming to preserve and improve the relationship.
Think about it, relationships without boundaries often become breeding grounds for resentment. This holds true across the board, whether it's a parent-child dynamic, a romantic partnership, a friendship, or even a professional connection. Without clear limits, things turn one-sided and dysfunctional, frequently leading to explosive breakdowns. Effective boundaries help prevent that by promoting balance and mutual respect.
Here's a key point: When you set a boundary, the responsibility for enforcing it lies with you, especially when dealing with adults. You can't control someone else's actions, but you can control your response. For instance, you might say, "I feel disrespected when name-calling happens. If it occurs again, I'll need to step away, and we can reconnect later when things are calmer." This approach keeps the door open for reconciliation while safeguarding your peace and dignity.
Understanding No Contact: A Deeper Level of Protection
No contact takes a different path altogether. There's no built-in "let's try again later" option. It often starts as a self-protective measure driven by fear, particularly in response to trauma, and in that raw form, it can feel isolating for everyone involved. However, that doesn't make it invalid. Over time, what begins as a survival instinct can transform into a loving act: protecting yourself from further harm while silently urging the other person toward repentance.
No contact becomes not just appropriate but necessary in situations involving ongoing abuse (physical, sexual, mental, emotional, or spiritual), especially when the abuser shows no signs of genuine change. Most people agree that physical safety warrants this step, but things get trickier with non-physical forms of abuse. Still, if the perpetrator remains unrepentant, separation may be the wisest course to ensure your holistic well-being.
A Biblical View on Abuse: God's Clear Stance
God's Word leaves no room for ambiguity. He stands firmly against abuse in all its forms, opposing the proud and those who harm others (James 4:6; Psalm 11:5). Scripture addresses every type of mistreatment, emphasizing human dignity as image-bearers of God and calling for justice, healing, and protection of the vulnerable.
For a comprehensive overview, consider the insights from Bible Hub's article "What Does the Bible Say About Abuse?", which outlines:
Physical Abuse: Condemned as violence that God hates (Psalm 11:5; Ephesians 4:31).
Emotional and Verbal Abuse: Words that wound like swords are prohibited, with calls for speech that builds up instead (Proverbs 12:18; Ephesians 4:29).
Sexual Abuse: Any coerced or forced sexual contact violates the sanctity of marriage and the body (Hebrews 13:4: "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure").
Spiritual Abuse: Leaders are warned against domineering or burdening others (1 Peter 5:2-3; Matthew 23:1-4).
We're never called to endure abuse that doesn't bring glory to God. Yes, we share in Christ's sufferings (1 Peter 4:13), but those are for the sake of the Gospel, not senseless harm from unrepentant individuals that leads to salvation for no one. Physical wounds may heal relatively quickly, but the deeper scars from mental, emotional, spiritual, or narcissistic abuse, including trauma bonds, linger much longer. True repentance from an abuser involves sustained changes in heart, mind, and behavior—not just apologies or brief behavior changes.
If you're healing from abuse, give yourself grace. This process often requires professional support to shift from fear-based reactions to empowered decisions that honor God.
Choosing Between Boundaries and No Contact: A Balanced Approach
In the end, boundaries are about preserving relationships by keeping them healthy, balanced, and mutually beneficial. They're your go-to for most conflicts where change is possible. No contact, on the other hand, serves as a shield against those who represent an ongoing threat to your physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual health, prioritizing safety when reconciliation isn't feasible.
Remember, the goal in both is love, wisdom, and alignment with God's principles. If you're navigating this in your own life, pray for discernment, seek godly counsel, and prioritize your healing. You're not alone. Scripture promises God as a refuge for the oppressed (Psalm 9:9). If you need help establishing, communicating boundaries, or deciding on boundaries or no contact, Called2Rise LLC offers faith-based coaching to guide you with biblical wisdom and grace.
Mental Health & Relationship Coach
Reference
Bible Hub. (n.d.). What does the Bible say about abuse?
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