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Home for The Holidays
By Gina Kluge, CEPS, CCLC
When my son was a freshman in college coming home for the holidays, I could hardly wait to have him home for two solid weeks! When he pulled up in front of the house, I was prepared: I stocked up on all his favorite snacks, had his room ready, and had all our favorite Christmas traditions lined up. When he lived at home as a teenager, when he walked in the house, he would typically drop his keys, wallet, and earbuds in the “family key basket” on the entryway table, just like his dad and I would do.
But this year was different.
He walked in, looked at the basket, and said, “I don’t think I should put my keys and stuff in the family basket. I want to keep them in my room instead.”
And that’s when it hit me.
Being away at college forced him to start his own habits, and he was used to doing things his way now. He no longer identified fully with the “family key basket”. He was becoming an independent young adult.
Having a college student return home for the holiday, especially for the first time, is a major transition for both parents and young adults. While it is an exciting reunion, it frequently triggers tension because both sides have evolved since move-in day.
Your college student has spent months managing their own schedule, bedtime, diet, and social life without asking for permission. Returning home to childhood rules, habits, or schedules can feel like regressing into adolescence.
At the same time, you miss them and naturally fall back into familiar roles. It is easy to view them through the lens of the high schooler who left, expecting them to fit seamlessly back into family routines.
Here are some tips to help with the holiday season
1. Pray over your time with your college student.
Ask for wisdom on how best to parent this young adult (James 1:5).
Be open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, guiding you through potentially tense situations or conversations (Isaiah 30:21)
2. Have a low-pressure discussion around expectations
Rather than imposing old house rules or staying silent until frustration builds, have an upfront, light conversation.
Ask for an update rather than setting a strict curfew (e.g., "Can you text me if you're sleeping at a friend's house so I don't worry?").
Give them advance notice of non-negotiable family events, dinners, or holiday gatherings so they can plan their personal social life around them.
3. Expect and allow for exhaustion
College finals are mentally and physically draining. Students often arrive home exhausted, running on caffeine, no sleep, and academic stress.
Give them 24 to 48 hours of "low-demand" time when they first arrive to sleep, decompress, and veg out before expecting full engagement in holiday activities or family chores.
4. Give space for their social life
Your student will likely want to reconnect with high school friends.
Balance quality family time with independent time.
Avoid making them feel guilty for spending evenings with peers.
5. Adjust your communication style
Listen more than you talk: Ask open-ended questions about their college life, classes, and new ideas
Avoid jumping in to solve their problems or correct their views.
Celebrate their growth! Explicitly recognize their increasing independence (e.g., "I’m very proud of how well you're managing your own schedule now!").
Having your college freshman come home for the holidays for the first time carries lots of emotions with it. You’re thrilled that they are home, bursting with pride at the young adult they are becoming (that is the goal of parenting, after all), and yet missing the way life used to be.
And that is OK.
It will take time to adjust to your “new normal”. Giving your child the room to become the person God created your college student to be, while continuing to be their comfort and safe place, is the recipe for many happy family holidays and celebrations!
Mental Health & Relationship Coach
